Reclaiming My Body and a Little Rant about Body Shaming

I've made a choice to reclaim my body. I'm not doing this for my self esteem. I'm not doing this to fit any one else's idea of what is hot. I'm totally hot and confident right now without making any changes. The changes I am making are for my health and my own personal satisfaction.

12 years ago I lost 80 lbs in 8 months. I went from a size 22 to an 8.  How did I do this you may ask? Well I'll tell you - Crack and Puking. Just kidding. I did it by working out 6 days a week, eating healthy 6 days a week and drinking tons of water. I felt strong! I felt accomplished. I felt powerful. I kept this up for some time and then entered into a dysfunctional relationship where my self esteem plummeted and my weight steadily rose. I stopped working out. I started drinking more and eating things that did not make my body feel good.

My self esteem recovered after that dark time but my weight remained high. I've been losing and gaining the same 25 lbs for the last 10 years.

Now I am 40, almost 41. I am sick of being the slowest person on a hike. I'm sick of having to spend way too much money on clothes because I am a "specialty size."

My goal now is not necessarily a number on the scale, my goal now is health and budget clothes shopping. I want to be in the middle of the pack of hikers when I go with friends. I want to avoid adult onset diabetes and heart disease. I also would like to be able to buy my clothes at any store, not just Layne Bryant, Torrid and the tiny plus sized sections at Target, Ross, and Khols.

But hear me my friends. I am not doing this to be hotter or prettier or more desirable. I've got that covered at any weight. 

Which brings me to my next topic. AKA My Little Rant of the Day 

 I cannot stand it when people talk poorly about fat/chubby/heavy people. This includes speaking poorly of yourself. It saddens me that Mindy Kaling refers to herself as chubby when she is a size 8!

A size 8 is an ideal size for many people. She doesn't look chubby to me, she looks healthy. This is probably just the natural size for her body. She is gorgeous in my opinion; but better than that, she is funny and smart, which trumps physical beauty any day in my book.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. From this hottie

to this beauty, Lara Mitchell - a local musician

Let's all stop the body shaming. Saying a woman is too skinny is just as bad as saying a woman is too fat. Both are not okay. While I applaud heavy women having pride in our bodies,  that does not make it okay to bash thin women. Examples of thin woman bashing disguised as chubby pride -

 There is so much wrong in this, I don't even know where to start. Wimp is such a loaded word.

 Every woman, thin, thick or in between needs an expert lover in my opinion.

Let's just celebrate every body type. Let's let every woman decide what size is okay for her. Let's not imply that thin women are not as womanly as "curvy" women. Let's just love ourselves, our bodies, our minds, our hearts.

And when it comes right down to it, remember this wise advice:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGt9jAkWie4  (I promise you will smile if you click that link)

Okay I'm stepping off my soapbox now. Love and hugs to you all.

What happened to feminism?

I abhor categories and labels. I am too substantial to fit into one box, too complex to be described by a one or two word label. However, to people from the outside looking in, they would describe me as femme, bi-sexual (a term I refuse but which I will discuss in a later blog), and outgoing.  My current partner has been described as both masculine-looking and butch. She often gets called “sir” and generally wears clothing bought in the men's sections of stores. I like pleated skirts and she likes plaid shirts. It's not an “opposites attract” thing or that either of us has a specific "type" we were looking for. We met. We clicked. We're together.
  
A while ago we went to a gallery show of photographs at our local Q Center. We had looked at all of the pieces and were just hanging out sipping the free wine and chatting with a woman who was new to the area. She looked to be in her early 30's, sort of granola-ish mixed with Portlandia. She seemed educated and was interested in meeting more lesbians in the metro area. She started pouring herself more wine so I asked if she could please refill my glass as well. She started then stopped to ask my partner if it was okay if she poured me more wine. I was dumbfounded. Was she concerned that I had already had too much to drink or did she think I needed permission from my partner to have someone else pour me wine? Since I'd only had a half a glass there's no way anyone could have thought I had been drinking too much.  It was like I was with my parent, instead of my partner, or this woman thought I was a piece of property.


Another time I was in a crowded room at a queer poetry/performance art event;  people were packed wall to wall. A friend accidentally brushed against my breasts on her way past me to the restroom. She then apologized to my partner for brushing against my breasts, not to me (not that this is something that even needed to be apologized for as it was so crowded and completely unintentional).  Again, I felt marginalized, as if I was viewed as property and not a person. 

Neither of these events took place at a sex party where someone might think there was some sort of master/servant or dominant/submissive thing going on. These were public events that were not exclusively for but catered to queer folks in Portland, Oregon.

My question is this: What happened to feminism?

Because I love makeup and dressing girly does that mean I do not have a mind and voice of my own?

Because I often date women who are butch looking does that make me the little lady who is not also strong and fierce and independent?

It burns me up I tell you. I frequently want to shout out I AM THE BOSS OF MYSELF!

My ex father-in-law once asked the father of my child, "Is she hungry for dinner now or later?" referring to me. I was sitting right there in the car with them. He is, without a doubt, a misogynist so that behavior was not terribly shocking. However, I do find it shocking when I encounter this type of behavior within the progressive confines of the Pacific Northwest, and among women no less.  

Would these same woman have treated me as property of another if I had been there with a male partner instead of a female partner or would they have realized to do so would be buying in to patriarchal notions we struggle against as women. Why is it different if my partner is a masculine of center woman?