What happened to feminism?

I abhor categories and labels. I am too substantial to fit into one box, too complex to be described by a one or two word label. However, to people from the outside looking in, they would describe me as femme, bi-sexual (a term I refuse but which I will discuss in a later blog), and outgoing.  My current partner has been described as both masculine-looking and butch. She often gets called “sir” and generally wears clothing bought in the men's sections of stores. I like pleated skirts and she likes plaid shirts. It's not an “opposites attract” thing or that either of us has a specific "type" we were looking for. We met. We clicked. We're together.
  
A while ago we went to a gallery show of photographs at our local Q Center. We had looked at all of the pieces and were just hanging out sipping the free wine and chatting with a woman who was new to the area. She looked to be in her early 30's, sort of granola-ish mixed with Portlandia. She seemed educated and was interested in meeting more lesbians in the metro area. She started pouring herself more wine so I asked if she could please refill my glass as well. She started then stopped to ask my partner if it was okay if she poured me more wine. I was dumbfounded. Was she concerned that I had already had too much to drink or did she think I needed permission from my partner to have someone else pour me wine? Since I'd only had a half a glass there's no way anyone could have thought I had been drinking too much.  It was like I was with my parent, instead of my partner, or this woman thought I was a piece of property.


Another time I was in a crowded room at a queer poetry/performance art event;  people were packed wall to wall. A friend accidentally brushed against my breasts on her way past me to the restroom. She then apologized to my partner for brushing against my breasts, not to me (not that this is something that even needed to be apologized for as it was so crowded and completely unintentional).  Again, I felt marginalized, as if I was viewed as property and not a person. 

Neither of these events took place at a sex party where someone might think there was some sort of master/servant or dominant/submissive thing going on. These were public events that were not exclusively for but catered to queer folks in Portland, Oregon.

My question is this: What happened to feminism?

Because I love makeup and dressing girly does that mean I do not have a mind and voice of my own?

Because I often date women who are butch looking does that make me the little lady who is not also strong and fierce and independent?

It burns me up I tell you. I frequently want to shout out I AM THE BOSS OF MYSELF!

My ex father-in-law once asked the father of my child, "Is she hungry for dinner now or later?" referring to me. I was sitting right there in the car with them. He is, without a doubt, a misogynist so that behavior was not terribly shocking. However, I do find it shocking when I encounter this type of behavior within the progressive confines of the Pacific Northwest, and among women no less.  

Would these same woman have treated me as property of another if I had been there with a male partner instead of a female partner or would they have realized to do so would be buying in to patriarchal notions we struggle against as women. Why is it different if my partner is a masculine of center woman?